We get so lonely anymore. Most baby shoes have some kind of wear to them. Not us. We are still as stiff as the day we were made in the factory. We have never known the warmth of little feet.
The first time it happened was awful. We were removed from the rack at the store with high hopes. And how could we not be happy? We were to fulfill the purpose for which we were made. We would help a child take his first steps in the world. We sat in our place in the special room, nearly beside ourselves with anticipation.
But one day the man whose wife had bought us came into the room. He looked around at all the nice, wonderful things within it. Then, he began to cry, great big tears of a sorrow that knew no limits. And in the next few days everything that was wonderful and good in that room, of which we were the least, was taken away. What had happened was never mentioned, but we knew what it was just the same.
We were grief-stricken. But we were hopeful when we were given to someone else who was expecting a child. This time, it will all be different, we told ourselves. But, alas, it turned out just the same. We were given away, our purpose unfulfilled, yet again.
And thus has the cycle continued. We have stopped counting how many times we have been given away without fulfilling our purpose. It hurts too much to think of how many times it’s happened. Sometimes we wonder if it is really coincidence. Perhaps our mere presence is what makes everything go dark. We pray this isn’t true.
We long for the time when we can fulfill our purpose. We do not want to meet an end, whether by fire, water, or time, without being a part of the best days of a human life. We can pass on happy as long as we help a child take those first, unsteady steps. We have not the heart to think of the alternative
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
How bizarre that I could feel sorry for a pair of baby shoes!
This has been pointed out already. Is it 'We get so lonely now'? Or maybe 'We don't get so lonely anymore'? But they do seem lonely, so the latter suggestion can't be right.
It would be better to find another way to phrase the second part of the sentence. 'Came into the room' is a bit bland. Even 'opened the door to the room' might sound better.
I'm not sure about my suggestion of a dash, but I think you need something stronger than a comma there.
Took out a couple of commas.
Changed wording because, the way I read it, it flowed better this way.
Added in a comma and full stop.
These are just little things - I was kind of scraping the barrel for comments, so that I could review and let you know that I loved your idea and thought this piece was really sweet!
The promised critique:
Nit-Picks
Grammar mistake – I can't fix it 'cause I don't know what you meant, but look at it.
Ditch this comma.
I'd ditch this comma.
I think 'by fire, or water, or time' would sound more stylistically pleasing.
Missing period.
Overall Comments
Hm… I've read this before, but I never critiqued? Ah well.
Anyways, it's a cute little piece. But two things bother me:
1. Where are they now?
2. Who's 'we'? One pair, or a bunch? I think one pair would make more sense, but you need to clear that up a bit.
Short critique for a short piece? XD
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
That was a creative little story. There were flaws in grammar here and there, but I guess you could pick them out after reading it through yourself a few times. Check your sentence structure too.
Asides from technical things, this piece had an interesting perspective. Perhaps you could try incorporating something more depth and meanings rather just merely writing about the imageries and emotions.
I am curious of whether if you intended to end the entire story without a period. I think it works creatively if leave it out as it a symbolism of a never ending cycle.
I liked this, although the method chosen to portray it was somewhat... unconventional. Actually, though, I thought it was a rather clever idea, focusing on something quite sad but coupling it with what we always perceive as boring old objects - I don't know how well personification works in most cases other than poetry, but it's pretty nifty here.
It was slightly abstract, and hard to determine... but it was bitter sweet in its intentions.
Here, found some errors:
Yeah... that just makes so sense. I'm a bit dazed as to how you didn't pick up on that, it being the opening sentence and all.
But one day, the man whose wife had bought us